Birthday Surprise!
This past weekend was my 26th birthday. As per usual, there were a series of birthday celebrations Friday-Monday (my actual birthday was Sunday). Amidst all the celebrating, for some reason I got it in my head that 26 is a good age.
See, in years prior I haven’t exactly been excited about getting older. But as I thought about turning 26 I realized I was looking forward to it. The ages of 19-21 were pretty good to me, I must admit; 22-25 held a great deal of uncertainty, fearfulness, restlessness, heartache, and general discomfort. During those years I forged deep, strong friendships, a willingness to engage in profitable conflict, and a willingness to sit and wait and allow God to uphold me through trying seasons so they most definitely were not a total bust. Please don’t hear that. But for some reason, 26 seems different. I’m starting to feel comfortable with who I am and my newfound adulthood, I’m deeply aware of how incredibly undeserving I am to have such a wonderful family and loving friends, and I don’t feel quite as lost and uncertain about where I’m going and what my future holds. It’s not that I know the future, it’s just that I’m beginning to trust that God has me where He wants me and will guide me where He wants me to go.
So all that to say, on Friday I decided that this year is going to be the best year of my life. That night as I was driving home from a fun dinner and lots of laughing with my friend Tommy and his buddy from back home I thought, “What would happen if I lived every year like that?”
I regret not thinking of it a long time ago. All of the sudden I realized that if this is really going to be the best year of my life I don’t have time to worry, or be unhappy, or fret away at useless thoughts and tasks, or be heartbroken, or cling to something I can’t have — not if I’m going to make this the best year of my life. I have to get serious about it! I have to enjoy people while I’m with them, soak up the joys and little pleasures in life, cram all the fun and laughter I can into each day, calm down, stop focusing on my or others imperfections so much, spend more time resting in the Lord and worshipping Him. It’s gonna take work, but I realized this is a good mindset to have not just about my 26th year but about every year. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.
In the meantime, my mom came into town that same night and surprised me by bringing with her my sister and nephew! It was the perfect way to start off the best year of my life. Here’s some pictures just to prove it:
My sister feeding my nephew – who was not having it.
Tell me, have you ever seen a cuter little boy in all your life?
Soaking up my time with the little guy while we were shopping in Pasadena! He’s a good little shopper already.
My friend Laura and I at dinner on my actual birthday.
The whole crew. It was amazing to walk into the restaurant and see (almost) all of my very favorite people in this world all in one place. I love every person around that table very much.
Us Catron girls after dinner.
Thanks again, Mom and Caris, for the wonderful birthday surprise!
Top Fives of 2009
Last year I posted my Top Fives of 2008, and it was such a smashing hit I thought I’d make it an annual tradition. So here we go, my Top Fives of 2009:
Top 5 Lessons Learned:
1. It’s easy to look at others and see how they should change or could be doing better, but much more difficult to focus on your own weaknesses and where you need to pursue change. It’s a much better use of your time to work on yourself first instead of casting stones at others.
2. The problem with wanting what I can’t have is I am discontent. The answer? Be thankful and grateful for what I do have. And I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for.
3. I should not be surprised when this world doesn’t function perfectly. We live in a very fallen world. It’s broken. In fact, my reaction should be quite the opposite. I should be surprised when it does function well at all, because that is God’s grace intervening on our behalf.
4. In conflict, I must take responsibility for my part of the problem. But I can’t take responsibility for more than what is my part. No matter how hard I love or how fiercely I fight to hold on to a relationship, I can’t make up for another person’s failings or weaknesses if they won’t admit to them or change. I can only do so much.
5. I am not what I will be. I am a work in progress and day by day God is sanctifying me into what He wants me to be. I haven’t arrived yet. This shouldn’t surprise me.
Top 5 Unattained Goals:
1. Running a triathlon (for the second year in a row).
2. Sleeping on a somewhat normal/consistent basis.
3. Eating at every Stonefire restaurant.
4. Liking salads.
5. Quitting Facebook (again, for the second year in a row).
Top 5 Quotes I’ve Read:
1. “My darkest time taught me that I can trust my loving Father with my future — even when His way hurts. When God shatters dreams, He rebuilds them into something beautiful. Perhaps not beautiful by worldly standards but more akin to what is captured in Isaiah, when God says He will give His people “a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair” (Isaiah 61:3).” – Suzanne Hadley
2. “Seek to know and be known. Choose vulnerability over self-protection, accountability over obscurity, the climb of togetherness over the gravity of aloneness. Become an initiator and an inviter and a pursuer. Fight for relationships, for sincere time together in the midst of busyness, for a diversity of shared experiences along with the late nights and the road trips and the dinner tables and the living rooms and the ministry partnerships that weave together the tapestry of relationships. Fight for them. Because you can be rich in many things, but if you are poor in friendships, you are poor indeed.” – Gunner Gundersen
3. “In Friendship….we think we have chosen our peers. In reality, a few years’ difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another, posting to different regiments, the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting — any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of the Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples ‘Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,’ can truly say to every group of Christian friends ‘You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.’ The Friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of all the others.“ – C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
4. “Most of us have never really understood that Christianity is not a self-help religion meant to enable moral people to become more moral. We don’t need a self-help book; we need a Savior. We don’t need to get our collective act together; we need death and resurrection and the life-transforming truths of the gospel. And we don’t need them just once, at the beginning of our Christian life; we need them every moment of every day.” – Elyse Fitzpatrick, Counsel from the Cross
5a. “Let us take comfort in the thought that the Lord Jesus does not cast off His believing people because of failures and imperfections.
He knows what they are.
He takes them, as the husband takes the wife, with all their blemishes and defects, and, once joined to Him by faith, will never leave them. He is a merciful and compassionate High priest. It is His glory to pass over the transgressions of His people, and to cover their many sins.”
- J.C. Ryle, The Gospel of Mark, 1857
5b. “I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness. It is like hiding the talent in a napkin and for much the same reason ‘I knew thee that thou wert a hard man.’ Christ did not teach and suffer that we might become, even in the natural loves, more careful of our own happiness. If a man is not uncalculating toward the earthly beloveds whom he has seen, he is none the more likely to be so towards God whom he has not. We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherit in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armor. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it.
It remains certainly true that all natural loves can be inordinate. Inordinate does not mean “insufficiently cautious”. Nor does it mean “too big”. It is not a quantitative term. It is probably impossible to love any human being simply “too much”. We may love him too much in proportion to our love for God; but it is the smallness of our love for God, not the greatness of our love for the man, that constitutes the inordinacy.” – C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Top 5 Most Embarrassing Moments:
*As I mentioned last year, the one’s from 2009 are still a wee bit too fresh. We’ll mention a few from 2008, now that they’ve had some time to wear off.
1. (‘08) Throwing up in front of my boyfriend while we in the middle of saying goodnight.
2. (‘08) Having the breaks on my car go out after breaking up with aforementioned boyfriend (is it any surprise people?! Look at these embarrassing moments — I should have seen it coming!). Had to walk back up to his front door and ask him to test them out. Then drive back with him to my place in his car. Then go back and pick up my car at his house the following day. All after the break up. That’s gotta make it on some sort of list for worst all time something.
3. (‘09) The night a fellow RD (who will remain nameless) of the opposite sex decided to knock once on my door and walk right in. I, did not have a shirt on, and there was no door leading into the bathroom. So I had to call out to him to stop, but couldn’t explain why. Then I was rummaging around in my drawers trying to find a shirt, which of course he could hear the entire bit (because there was no door) although thankfully couldn’t see it. Finally, I walked into the hallway to find him facing the door. He made some comment about something on the hinge.
4. (‘09) Having to admit to one of my fellow co-workers, Jackie Knapp, a ridiculous crush on a highly unlikely character. Who was a student. And a good number of years younger than me. She laughed so hard in my face for that one.
5. (‘09) When my shorts split in two in the middle of CPR training. They were running shorts, with no stretch, and when I sat down on my feet (wearing running shoes) it just pulled the seam right apart. So then I was stuck trying to perform CPR on poor Annie (or Abby?) without taking my rear end off the ground. Which is hard to do. Because there were two male staff members behind me and I was hoping they wouldn’t see. So I was whispering up to Esther who was wearing my sweatshirt and hoping not to get caught by the CPR instructors. Man, how do these things happen to me?! Finally, Esther threw back my sweatshirt and I wrapped it around my waist so I could go back to the dorm and change!
Top 5 Moments Lived:
1. Getting to hold my precious Nephew Indy for the first time on June 29, 2009 (and probably the day that he smiled at me for the first time in August).
2. Sitting in a line on the front of our Cruise ship to Mexico for Esther’s birthday as we set sail, watching the sunset, with Esther, Rick, Tim, and Ben. (Also, watching Ben try on jeans & dance to Apple Bottom Jeans on Esther’s birthday cruise!)
3. Finally fulfilling my lifelong dream of milking a cow with my precious cousin Kenny!
4. Sitting at a table at Mi Piace in Old Town Pasadena all by myself. It was the first time I had ever eaten at a sit down restaurant alone, and was the 2nd day of my people fast back in May. It was the first time I can ever remember honestly liking being alone. SUCH a happy, contented feeling.
5. Making the decision to risk my heart and choose vulnerability and hurt over safety and self-protection. It feels so good to risk for the right things.
Top 5 Songs Heard:
1. Love is Hard – James Morrison
2. Giving Up – Ingrid Michaelson
3. Rescue Me – Jessica Sonner
4. The Guy That Says Goodbye to You Is Out of His Mind – Griffin House
5. Love Story meets Viva La Vida – John Schmidt
*Other notable mentions: I’d Rather Be With You – Joshua Radin; Song for a Friend – Nathan Angelo; Hold On – Michael Buble; It Stops Today & You Got Me- Colbie Caillat; Knock You Down – Keri Hilson
Top 5 Lost Items:
1. My power laugh. It’s devastating, really.
2. My VW Beetle =(
3. Life sans iPhone!
4. The midnight Walmart Christmas Run Tradition. Sad to lose it, but it was time.
5. My Tivo. She died. That’s a very sad loss.
Top 5 People I’ve Met for the first time:
1. Timothy Indiana Noble!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Clive Evan Horton!
3. Joni Erickson Tada
4. Donna & Jerry Noble (okay, not the first, but kinda)
5. Lauren Crichton
Top 5 Parties Thrown:
1. Turkey Derby
2. 4th Annual Christmas Party – Christmukkuh!
3. Crepe Party
4. Dixon’s First Annual Spring Carnival
5. My sister’s baby shower, or as I like to call it, baby wedding.
Top 5 Purchases Made:
1. Patty the Patriot!
2. My very first pair of 7 Jeans. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, but I promised myself years ago that when I got down to my goal size, I’d do it. So it’s a big deal to me.
3. The Mexico Cruise-of-Glory!
4. A Disneyland Pass.
5. All of the fruits and vegetables required for Esther and I’s juice fast (or should we say, epic juice fast failure).
Seeing God Through the Trees
Have you ever heard the saying, “Don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees”? I don’t that well — I tend to see the trees and lose sight of the forest. I get into a “furrowed brow” mentality (that’s the only way I know to describe it) where my nose is to the grindstone, I’m focused, and getting things done. And typically when I stay in that mentality for long enough, I start to get weary and discouraged and frustrated.
This year I’ve seen myself go through this cycle almost every week. Energy & excitement leads to initiation and eager pursuit of people, events, and ideas and ways to improve and grow. That leads to a lot of work (the ‘furrowed brow’- planning, delegating, answering questions, getting to know people, asking questions, following up, studying and researching, thinking, budgeting, problem solving, errand running, etc.) and usually a jam packed schedule that leaves me little room to plan ahead, rest, or connect with close friends and family. That leads to any little thing that is added to my plate feeling like an enormous burden. That leads to me feeling bitter (like I’m misunderstood or taken advantage of), discouraged (like what I’m already doing isn’t enough), and weary (like I can’t and/or don’t want to keep going). That leads me to trying to figure out why I’ve gotten to the place I am, which is typically not helpful at that point because I’m not seeing clearly. That leads to me taking a big chunk of time to get things right in my heart with the Lord. And that leads me to being refreshed and full of energy and excitement. And the cycle begins again. This seriously happens on a weekly basis.
I feel like I’m bipolar.
I’m not kidding.
This past week I sat in an RD meeting and was able t0 hear from my fellow RDs about their lives and what they’ve been learning. During that time something occurred to me. I’ve been spending the past 5 months trying to figure out how I can stop being so up and down and always be up. I’ve felt discouraged that there isn’t more joy or happiness or freedom in my heart. I’ve been praying and begging God for joy, love, and help on a consistent basis. But somewhere in the midst of that meeting I realized that the fact that I am ever up and only sometimes down may very well be a testimony to the grace of God in my life.
See, two years ago when I decided to apply to be a Resident Director at TMC, I knew it was going to be hard. I walked into it knowing that it would cost me freedom, and that my life would no longer be my own, and girls would force me to be flexible and generous, whether I liked it or not. I knew I was giving up a lot and signing up for a life that wouldn’t be easy. I wrote a draft of a blog post at the time that I never published. Here is some of what I wrote June 1, 2008:
There are a lot of things I’m excited about in getting to be an RD but there’s another part of the job that I am increasingly aware of that will be painful and costly. There will be nights that I’ll be at the emergency room until 3 AM and nights that all I will want to do is go to sleep and I will be kept up by some discipline issue that I wish I didn’t have to deal with. There will be conversations about massive hurts and pains that I won’t be able to change, the calls to repentance that I won’t be able to force, and a pace of life that I won’t be able to control.
I’m on my way to a coffee shop to begin thinking through some of the things I want to be purposeful about in my ministry at the college. In light of this planning, I’m thankful that I was warned again today that “neither knowing or showing Christ is cheap.”
So I definitely knew what I was signing up for and that it would be costly. Gunner, the Dean of Men, (who always seems to be full of very memorable quotes) once said, “Ideas are great because they don’t have burdens. But actions have burdens, they come at a cost, they have scars.” I’ve come to find that the idea of being an RD didn’t have the burdens, costs, and scars that the reality of being an RD has.
This is why this past week I realized that God has been very gracious to me to allow me to enjoy something that I naturally shouldn’t really enjoy. I’m naturally a very selfish, greedy person with my time and money. I love the praises of men, love to be loved, and fear criticism and rejection. That means this job should be a living nightmare for me but instead I actually enjoy things about being an RD that make what I give up pale in comparison at times. I’m starting to see that He’s been sanctifying and transforming my heart to get me to a place where this kind of work would be pleasant and enjoyable to me at all. It’s a testimony of His grace because I’m constantly being asked to give my life away and in my flesh I want to hold on to every bit of my life I can.
In the midst of the late nights and early morning text messages, the knocks on the door and constant chatter & talking, the fire drills and meetings, silly dorm events and school functions, the planning and training and counseling and teaching, the lending of my home and my things, God is constant in His faithfulness to refresh, encourage, and strengthen me each new week. He has become a real refuge and source or strength to me during this season. He’s also given me girls who I care about and enjoy, who make me laugh and patiently bear with me, cover my weaknesses and sins in love, serve me and are kind to me, who somehow seem to love me in spite of who I am, invite me to do things with them, write me lovely little notes, thank me for my service and dedication, who are willing to share their burdens and struggles with me, ask me for advice & listen to my counsel, who appreciate what I do and tell me how I’ve helped them, who I get to see turning away from sin and toward Christ, who care for me in small ways that are significant to me and care for me personally as their friend. I’m very aware that I’m privileged to get to experience that kind of encouragement and sustenance in ministry. I can’t imagine what it must be like for missionaries who labor for decades without seeing any fruit — that makes me realize how very weak I still am.
So I guess what I realized is, I’m not yet what I will be. The reason for the up and down is because I’m still in the painful process of sanctification where I sin. I start to see what I’m sacrificing and the cost of what I do and begin to lose perspective. I don’t know what is right and wise, or I don’t like the messiness of it all and start clinging to my life and rights and possessions and slowly & subtly implode each week. But, I’m not what I once was. That is why I have “up” days at all. If you dropped me into this life on me 4 years ago, I would jumped right out because I wanted my life to be easy and painless even though I knew I shouldn’t. Christ has brought me to a place where I love and enjoy serving Him more today than I did then, so I’m able to sit in it just a little bit longer. God has stretched and strengthened me to a point where I’m happy to sacrifice and lose more today than I was 4 years ago. That means that being able to love and enjoy the ministry I’m able to do for a good 3-4 days at a time instead of imploding right away is a mark of grace.
I trust that in time I’ll get to the point where I’m thinking less and less of myself, where I’m stronger and able to endure more and more, growing in patience and love, progressively less earthly and more heavenly minded, less focused on the faults of others, and through that I’ll be able to enjoy ministering and serving (wherever and in whatever capacity that may be) even more than I am today. Perhaps the energy and enthusiasm and joy will last 5-6 days instead of 3. Or maybe even a few weeks. And that’s because God is gracious. Without His grace, I wouldn’t have a ministry and I wouldn’t have days at all.
So I’m learning to see my being cyclically up and down in this season as a generous gift from the Lord. That He would be so kind to change my heart & desires in a way that makes His work pleasant for any length of time is an incredible gift to a poor and undeserving beggar like me.
Do I Have a Claim on Other People’s Money?
I read this blog post tonight and it brought a fresh perspective to taxes and the current health care reform bill. I think it’s worth considering.
The author’s main point?
I have to wonder how many of the people who take the tax-the-rich line pause, even briefly, to ask themselves what gives them a claim on other people’s money, and a pretty much limitless claim at that. Not many, I’m afraid. It’s habitual by now.
Check out the whole post for the rest.
We Don’t Need Self-Help Books
I’m thankful for this quote that was a reminder to me this morning as I’m studying up on some counseling issues and preparing to dive into writing my thesis (preparing to dive in? What does that even mean? read: procrastinating).
“It’s no wonder that self-help books top the charts in Christian publishing and that counseling offices are overwhelmed. Our pride and our neglect of the gospel force us to run from seminar to seminar, book to book, counselor to counselor, always seeking but never finding some secret to holy living.
Most of us have never really understood that Christianity is not a self-help religion meant to enable moral people to become more moral. We don’t need a self-help book; we need a Savior. We don’t need to get our collective act together; we need death and resurrection and the life-transforming truths of the gospel. And we don’t need them just once, at the beginning of our Christian life; we need them every moment of every day.”
- Elyse Fitzpatrick and Dennis Johnson, Counsel from the Cross (Wheaton, Ill.: Crossway Books, 2009), 30.
