I came across this quote today and thought I would share it to you. It’s something that’s been on my mind a lot over the past 6 months or so as I’ve changed the way I repent of sin in light of what the Lord has been teaching me about the gospel.

“True repentance has a distinct reference to the Saviour. When we repent of sin, we must have one eye upon sin and another upon the cross, or it will be better still if we fix both our eyes upon Christ and see our transgressions only, in the light of his love.”

- Charles Spurgeon

As I talk with students day in and day out, this is one of the main things I want them to get — that true repentance isn’t just about turning away from sin (although, that certainly is a mark of true repentance). It is about turning to Christ, our only hope for forgiveness for our sin and our only righteousness. A turning from sin can’t atone for our sins, it won’t make the sin go away or pay the debt we owe. What’s done is done and if there weren’t a Savior that already took the punishment, repentance would be futile.

When I just change my behavior or just ask for forgiveness without looking at Christ, I tend to see forgiveness as cheap and easily slide back into feelings of guilt and failure because I don’t feel forgiven. I keep trying to atone for my sin on my own because it just doesn’t seem right for me to get away with it. “Tomorrow I’ll wake up extra early, spend extra time in God’s word, be a better friend, a better RD, a more supportive and wise discipler, I won’t complain about anything and only be thankful and encouraging,” I think.

But when I repent of sin and say, “God, I deserve to die for this. I really should be punished because when I walked into that room tonight, all I cared about was myself. How I looked, how I listened, how funny I was, how natural and at ease I seemed, how engaging and likeable I seemed. How they would notice my deep and thought provoking questions or displays of servanthood. I was focused on what people thought of me, how much I wanted them to love me and have such a high view of me when I left. I took glory from you and directed it towards myself. I didn’t show concern for others, but was only concerned for myself. I was making a name for myself and building my own kingdom in that room tonight and I should die for it because You are the only King and deserving of all glory. But you aren’t going to punish me for it, you won’t make me die the death I deserve for it. You already punished your Son for my sin, you put Him to death because you knew I would walk into that room tonight and seek my own glory and try to build my own kingdom. You allowed Him to be beaten and bruised, crushed, taunted and mocked, to die a sinner’s death on the cross and be buried and You poured out your wrath on Him — all the fiery furious wrath that I deserve — so that I wouldn’t have to be punished for what I did tonight. So that instead of punishment I could receive forgiveness. You already took care of what I owe for this so that I could come to you freely tonight and receive forgiveness and grace and mercy. You took care of it so that there wouldn’t be anything between us keeping us from having a relationship. I don’t deserve that kind of love. I don’t deserve to get to come to you freely. I don’t deserve for you to sacrifice your beloved Son instead of me. But you did it because You are great, and good, and because Your love isn’t dependent on me and how worthy or unworthy I am but on You and how great and vast your love is towards sinners who don’t deserve it.”

And when I pray like that, somewhere in the midst of it, my heart is changed and I have never experienced a time when I don’t walk away feeling thankful and grateful for God’s love and Christ’s sacrifice in a way that makes me want to turn from my sin. It is so hard to look at Christ’s sacrificial death that way and want to continue sinning at that price. It doesn’t seem cheap — I realize that it is very costly. It’s just that the cost for my sin wasn’t paid by me, it was paid by Christ. I don’t take that for granted when I repent that way.

So I think it is looking to Christ as we repent that motivates us to turn away from sin. A mere behavioral change is nothing more than moralism or behavior modification, or worse, legalistic disobedience.

And I think I’ll step down from my soap box now in order to attend an RD meeting. Have a good day!

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I realized tonight that I have a lot to look forward to in the coming week. I hadn’t put all the pieces together until now and all of the sudden it hit me! It’s gonna be a good week.

Here’s what I’m looking forward to:

1. Tonight I’m going out with my friends Bart & Amy to celebrate Amy’s last day of work! She is scheduled to have a little boy in November so her life is going to be dedicated to preparing for that these next few months. I’m so excited for them & to meet baby Clive.

2. My best friend from my freshman year of college, Monica, came into town last night. Seriously, we were ridiculous in college. She is one of the most fun, hilarious people to be around and I think the last time I saw her was my senior year of college. Tomorrow we are headed to Santa Monica for some bike riding and fun in the sun.

3. Sunday & Monday my old friend Ben is coming back into town so hopefully I’ll get to see him and spend some time with people from our old Bible Study (why so many “olds” in this description, was it really that long ago?)!

4. Tuesday is Kenny’s birthday (the one downside of the week is that I won’t get to spend it with him in Disneyland)!

5. Tuesday I leave with chapel band for Outreach Week to go up to the Bay Area. This means: A) I get to laugh and play with the band (not musically play, just play play); B) I get to go up to North Creek church and see what they are about, which I’m excited about in case I ever move back up there & want to get involved in the church; C) I get to stay with my family so I’ll get to see them all week, too!; and D) One of the days we are up there I promised my sister I would go shopping with her so she can spend her birthday money which should be el blasto; and E) I get to hold precious Indy again!

Can life get any better?!

I’ll keep you posted on how it all goes.

Today is my sister, Caris’s, birthday. I’ve celebrated her on this blog before, but since I love her more today than I did when I wrote that, and I didn’t get to attend our family’s birthday dinner for her, I figured another blog would be in order.

There really is nothing else like having a sister. To have someone you’ve known your entire life, whose seen your ups and downs, endured your various clothing choices, who you’ve fought with, shared friends with (not always willingly), attended dances and football games with (separately, of course), knows all the ins and outs of your love life, spends every holiday with you, cries with you, who you’ve hurt and made fun of, who cracks you up and thinks you are hilarious — man there is nothing else like it. It makes both of us want to have at least two girls if we have daughters so they never have to live without a sister.

I’ve always really loved Caris. I was the little sister that wanted to be her and do everything she did. Now that we’re older, I don’t try to be her but I still really love and admire her. She is such a unique combination of qualities and attributes. She is her own person and doesn’t care about what anyone thinks of her – yet she’s not insensitive or uncaring of the way others feel or the way she treats them. She likes to stick out and be unique — yet she doesn’t feel the need to draw attention to herself unnecessarily and is happy to share the spotlight. She is one of the least insecure people I know, which also makes her one of the most free people I know — yet she’s not arrogant or boastful or conceited. She’s hilarious but loves to laugh with other people too. She’s intelligent, can hold her own in a debate, and doesn’t get worked up or overly emotional (ah hem, like some people) when people disagree with her. She loves her church, loves her friends, loves our family, and is intentionally selfless in her love.

I don’t know why, but I’ve come to love my sister more over this past year than any year before. I really can’t explain it. But I think it has to do with some of the trials and joys we have shared together. Caris and her husband Dan came down to spend the weekend with me last fall and meet the guy I was dating at the time. They shared in my joy and walked with me through the heartbreak when that ended. In the midst of that Caris got pregnant and we shared in the joy of that together and also the uncertainty when my brother-in-law found out his company was shutting down last winter and had to start looking for another job. We walked together as my parents faced their first year of my dad on dialysis. She became my refuge when family conflict would come up, lending me her eyes to see more clearly in those situations. We tanned and prepared for her baby to come when I went home for the summer, and after she had Indy being her sister got even better! Getting to be in the hospital room with her shortly after he was born, getting to be an aunt for the first time, getting to care for their little family in the weeks after he was born was so fun for me. It was then that I learned that service is not burdensome when it’s motivated my love and began to plead with the Lord to make me love my friends & girls in my dorm as much as I loved them.

All that to say, I love my sister very much. I wish all of you could be so fortunate to have a sister like her.

Happy Birthday, Care!

I read an article today in the Journal of Biblical Counseling called “Peace, be still: Learning Psalm 131 by Heart” written by David Powlison. It perfectly met my wearied, irritable, hopeless heart this morning. He writes,

Psalm 131 is show-and-tell for how to become peaceful inside. Listen in.

LORD, my heart is not proud, and my eyes are not haughty,
and I do not go after things too great and too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child on his mother,
like a weaned child, my soul rests on me.
Israel, hope in the LORD now and forever.

It was helpful to read the opposite of this Psalm, Powlison calls it an anti-Psalm. Boy is it painful to read and know how close a description it is to my heart at times,

Self, my heart is proud (I’m absorbed in myself), and my eyes are haughty (I look down on other people),
and I chase after things too great and too difficult for me.
So of course I’m noisy and restless inside, it comes naturally,
like a hungry infant fussing on his mother’s lap,
like a hungry infant, I’m restless with my demands and worries.
I scatter my hopes onto anything and everybody all the time.

Ouch. At one point in the article he lists off a series of questions that I began to think about for myself. I ended up writing each along with its answer in my journal. It was very helpful for me. I began to see some patterns. I thought I’d share it here in case it might help you to think about these questions, as well.

What is the “noise” going on inside you?

Where does it come from?

How do you get busy and preoccupied? Why?

Do you lose your composure?

When do you get worried, irritable, wearied, or hopeless?

How can you regain composure?

Do you need to learn it for the first time?

This Psalm is written by a man who was chosen & known by God, and who walked with God. King David did this in the midst of life’s pressures, joys, troubles, outrage, commotion, affections, and heartaches. The hope in this is that Christ lived out this Psalm even more fully than King David. This Psalm is a portrayal Jesus’ life experience, his thoughts and consciousness while He was on this earth. That means it is mine — even on my most hurried, wearied and anxious days — this peaceful composure and quietness of soul is mine because Christ was made sin so that in Him I might become the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21).

That is good news.

Sorry, once again, for the lack of posts in August. You may remember I was MIA last August as well. What can I say? It’s a busy month – that’s my life. Anyways, I figured I’d do a general post about the state of my life.

1. State of the Ministry

• A few weeks ago at church I was convicted by something my pastor said as he thanked the congregation for letting him take a vacation with his wife. It made me realize that the massive and important things in ministry are the things I generally either: A) Neglect; or 2) Feel guilty about. If I am spending all my time teaching my girls to love God and love people — and yet I am feeling guilty about making time for the God I am telling them to love and neglecting the people He has given me to love — I am a Hypocrite (capital H).
• I am thankful that I get to work at the college I attended because I’m surrounded by people who think and act like me which has been a mirror at times to my own heart and behaviors. The times I’ve seen glimpses of myself in others has broken me over my sin in a way I wouldn’t have otherwise been broken. Does that make sense? 
• I am so thankful for the leadership staff in my dorm. My staffers love Jesus and are excited and willing to serve.
• I love getting to tell the girls in my dorm about Jesus - that they are loved, they are forgiven, and no accusation has any chance against them. It is good news and keeps my own heart revived.
• I feel much more comfortable doing what I do now in comparison to last year. I can’t think of how to describe the way it feels to have a job where you are supposed to care about and love total strangers…but having existing relationships with them is helpful. I feel like I can be who I am with them now.
• I love my coworkers. They are wonderfully godly and hilarious people.
• I love what I do and am thankful I get to do it, which breathes life & joy into my ministry here.

2. State of my own Heart

• I am finding that I am increasingly glad for the past year of my life. Both the experience and the fruit from it.
• I trust the Lord and believe His love more than I ever have before. It’s driven out the fear I used to struggle with so much.
• I’m really thankful for a lot of different things. It’s a good feeling to have.
• Life is easier now. I’m begging the Lord to make me desperately aware of my neediness even when I feel strong, because I am.

3. State of my Relationships

• I love having my cousin Kenny here at Master’s. He loves people and cares for them in ways he doesn’t have to and isn’t obligated to. It’s convicting. I’m thankful to have him as part of my family and get to watch his life.
• I miss my family. I think the Lord has been settling my heart down to where an evening at home doing nothing with the fam is absolutely perfect to me. All the sudden L.A. just doesn’t have quite the same appeal.
• I miss my old church and bible study. I miss the group we used to hang out with, the parties I used to throw, the nights we used to go out, the way I used to look forward to getting to see them at church, the jokes we used to play. Missing them is causing me to be serious about enjoying the current season of my life, because I’m sure I’ll miss it one day too.
• I’m gearing up to lose a lot of friends. This summer my friends Bart & Amy will be (Lord willing) moving to Lebanon, Jackie & Ona will finish up their last years as RDs, Laura will finish up her nursing degree and move back to Washington. Again, I’m focusing on enjoying the time I have with them, because I know I’ll miss it when they’re gone.
• I’m amazed (in a baffled & surprised kind of way) by what great and quality friends I have & the new friendships I’m developing.
• I’m really glad to be single. I get to have time to myself and alone that I need at times and free time to hang out informally with my girls. Boy howdy is this job/lifestyle easier when you are single.

3. State of Other Random Things

• I’ve concluded I like A) people who are confident; and 2) people who will banter with me. These are the two common denominators in all of my friendships.
• I am officially training for my first triathlon (which has been a long time goal for me) October 18!
• I’m going on my first cruise this October for my friend Esther’s 30th birthday! It’s quickly approaching and I am ecstatic. I’ll keep you posted on how it turns out.
• I hate PCs. With the fire of 1,000 suns. Writing this post has confirmed that.
• I should have gone to bed 2 hours ago instead of writing this.