Well…I’ve come to a brief stop on my blogging train. It’s not that I’ve gotten off or anything…I’ve just run out of things to talk about. Frankly my life is consumed with work and trying to find an apartment. But today I have the day off so I’m sitting at BellaVia and thought I should update the old blog. But the problem is I have nothing new to say.
Well I guess that’s not exactly true. Last night my dad called and he was asking me about how the apartment hunt was going. I told him the truth- that I was having a really hard time trusting God. I’ve realized that I’m not a passive worrier. When things get tough I don’t just sit around and worry about them. No, I’m a much more active worrier than that. I work and work and work until the problem goes away– usually. Either that or ignore it. But usually I wear myself out trying to solve my problems by my own means. And this apartment hunt has been no different. My struggle is more in a Psalm 127 type of way,
Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.
In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.
My faithful earthly father reminded me that my loving heavenly Father knows my predicament. He knows what I need. And he has seen fit to give me exactly what I need. The problem is this isn’t always what I want and I start to judge God’s goodness by my own standards. My dad told me to build my nest on the greatness of God — which is a line from his favorite poem.
It’s funny how it sounds great to say “Rest in God’s goodness,” or “Build a nest on the greatness of God,” and when I hear those things, I want to do them so badly. I want to sleep soundly and deeply when the worries of this world should be overwhelming me. I want to live on a foundation so strong that when the storms of life blow in and out I’m unaffected. But I don’t really want to live by them. The truth is I don’t want that kind of pain. I want to be someone of whom this world is not worthy but I don’t want the pain of it. I don’t want to be homeless or jobless or sawn in two or persecuted or uncomfortable. It’s shamefully true. But I think that building a nest on the greatness of God starts one step at a time. So for now I’m starting with the little things. Last night I went home and slept instead of looking on Craigslist for condos like I usually do. This morning I woke up and read instead of looking on Move.com and Rent.com. Today I don’t have a home, but I have a gracious and loving God who provides me with all things I need. And today He knows I don’t need a home. He’s provided me with a place to stay in the meantime. That’s all I really need to know.