Schizophrenia

I woke up this morning torn by two emotions: excitement and fear. I had been woken up by a text message from a dear friend, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but…don’t forget to read!” It blessed my heart, and I awoke excited about reading God’s Word.

I woke up and hurried to get ready so I would have enough time to begin my study in Proverbs. It’s been a long time since I’ve been so excited to be in the Word.

But then as I began getting ready for work this strange feeling started creeping into my heart….fear. My flesh began to take power and I became gripped with fear. That kind of fear that almost seems holy. “I’m being wise….I’m being a good steward of my time and giftedness…” That kind of fear– the kind that sounds good if you spin it just right. But I knew I was justifying it. It was unmistakable. And by the time I was done getting ready the fear had completely over taken my heart.
Then I sat down and read God’s Word right up until the last second I had to leave for work. I completely forgot to eat breakfast and forgot about my fear. It was almost like it washed over my soul. It calmed me, prepared me, and strengthened me for the day. To say it was like a long talk with an old friend would belittle it. There is power in the Word. It can convict, change, pierce, and restore. It’s amazing that these little black words on a thin white piece of paper are living and active.

And by the time I was walking out to my car, that old familiar feeling of fear began to creep up. I literally had this thought, “If you want to be a counselor you have got to learn to deal with this.” Dang it. Driving to work I had myself convinced once again that my fear was right and justified. And all day today I’ve battled with my heart. I feel like a schizophrenic. All day I’ve looked forward to getting off work, being done with classes and homework so I can go back and spend time with my Savior.

This is the battle of sin in the believer’s life. One moment you love the Savior, the next your flesh has crept in so subtly you can barely see what’s right and what’s wrong.

But I’m thankful tonight for good friends who help me to see. I spent some time tonight with my dear friend Esther Ko who rebuked my sin. I believe her exact words were, “I mean…you don’t have to (do what I’m telling you to). I just think it’d be sin for you not to. And I’m hearing a lot of pride in what you are saying. And that’s an abomination to the Lord…a maggot infested trashcan in 115 degree heat type of abomination.” (Okay, I made up the abomination part-she didn’t really say that.)

Man I’ve got so far to go.

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