Here’s a few little snippets from my thoughts tonight as I sit at Starbucks….
Yesterday I went into work but only stayed for about an hour because of the fires here in town. It’s interesting, living in Santa Clarita right now, it seems surreal and it’s surprisingly not frightening. Sunday the sky was dark with smoke and the sun shone red– my eyes were burning as I sat at Starbucks trying to study. Was I afraid? Nope…just mildly annoyed so I drove down and spent the day in Hollywood.
It’s only when I watch the news that I become aware of the danger that this city is in. It’s only then that I’m acutely aware of the fires burning from the east, north, and southwest, just miles from where I live and work. But not once has my heart become anxious or scared. Partly because I know there is a lot of concrete in this town that the fire would have to burn through, and partly because I trust Christ, and partly because yesterday I was warned to prepare for an evacuation so I have a bag packed with my toiletries, clothes, and the only priceless possessions I own: my journals. I started journaling my prayers when I was in 7th grade and today they are stacked on a shelf in my closet (strike that– today they are in an Old Navy bag in the back of my car, but usually they are on a shelf in my closet). I realized as I was packing yesterday that those are the only things I have that can’t be replaced. Those and a letter my dad wrote to me in college where he pretended he was writing an epistle after I asked him to start writing me hand-written letters.
One of the great blessings of the fire was that the evacuations in San Diego provided me an opportunity to see a dear old friend. Through the conversation I saw some of the sinfulness of my heart come out– again. I saw my stubborn fear and how I cover my fear with independence and determination so I won’t get hurt. I was thankful he called me out. As we were sitting have dinner with my bible study shepherd and his wife I was explaining the reasoning behind how I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to be married now or anytime soon (which sounded great and godly until he threw in his two cents) and he just straight up said, “Well…and you’ve been hurt before–Sorry, just being honest.” Thanks for that. That comment stayed with me last night and into the day today. When I was walking up the stairs to my apartment on my lunch break it continued ringing through my ears….I’ve been hurt before. That’s why I fight so hard against allowing it to happen again. But hurt and pain isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it’s transformed me over the past 2 years. I’m a different woman today than I was in college, and most of that is due to the pain, disappointment, and brokenness I’ve experienced since graduation. The various types of pain that come as a result of living in a fallen world. But what’s more than that, is it’s pain that has transformed be over the past 23 years. I was able to sit with a girl on Sunday night who was in deep pain, I could stare her straight in the eyes and say, “I know what pain is. I know how it feels. I know when you lay in bed and just cry and cry night after night… I’m not denying the intensity of your pain.” I thank God for the pain he’s allowed in my life….I just need to learn to be willing to allow it again.
Today I went to work and felt the disappointment of being a recruiter. I had to call a candidate and cancel an interview because my client decided he didn’t have enough experience and didn’t even want to see him. Ouch. When you work so hard to get just one candidate to interviews, those conversations are hard for both parties.
And tonight all I wanted to do was to spend time with Jesus.