Why I Will Not Drive With My Parents Anymore

Namely because they are both the worst backseat drivers I have ever encountered in my near 24 years of living. I said this to their face.

After 48 hours of backseat driving, I have come to this conclusion: I never want to drive with both of them in the car again. It’s like something strange happens and all the sudden I am 15 again, with just a permit, and driving 40 mph seems to be a very scary feat. Nevermind that I have been driving for 9 years now and have been navigating my way around Los Angeles for the last 6.

Here’s how today went. “Betsy, can you drive, my license is expired.”

“Sure, Dad.”

“Okay Betsy, you need to back up and go to the left.”

“Mom, I can’t do that…it would just be too hard.”

“Bets, watch for cars coming.”

“Sure.”

“When you park you need to move a little closer to the curb.”

“Uhh, isn’t the front half of your bumper coming off? It doesn’t seem like that philosophy has been working out to well for you, Dad.”

“I can’t really see behind me, I don’t know if a car is coming.”

“Well then why are you backing out?”

“Well…I had to back out at some point and my vision wasn’t going to change….and I am backing out very slowly so if someone comes….”

“They will hit you while you are going very slowly?”

“No. They will stop. That’s what the white lights are for.”

“You need to slow down. With the curves and all it’s a bit jerky when you’re driving this fast.”

“I’m only going 65.”

“Now when you get to the house, you need to back into the driveway.”

“Okay”

(Simultaneously) “You need to go back further! Just put on the gas!” (Mom) and “Wow, wow, wow, watch out in front of you!” (Dad).

Now on the way home…..

“Now when you back out you may want to have Dad do that part.”

“Mom, I can do it.”

“Okay, here’s the 101 North.”

“I know Mom, that big green sign with the arrow was a big clue.”

“Here, you need to turn left here.” (Mom)

“I know this is the alleged short cut, but it would be much safer to take the highway and I would feel a lot more comfortable.” (Dad)

(This is after I’ve pulled off onto the “shortcut”)

“Fine, get back on the freeway.” (Mom)

(I just kept going)

“I always get scared driving these dark roads late at night…I remember when grandma hit a deer and you hit a bear, Mom.”

“Well, you don’t need to worry because it’s not deer season, honey.”

“What makes it deer season? What happens to the deer in the winter time?”

“I remember Grandma hit it right……..here.”

“I don’t know, I just know summer is deer season but you don’t need to worry about them….”

At this point we turned the corner and there were 5 deer– 3 on the left side of the road, 2 on the right. I slowed down.

“Lizzy B, it might be good if you slowed down.”

“I know, Dad. I’m only going 30 mph.”

“Oh, well you just need to be careful.”

“You know it doesn’t help me drive better when you’re doing this, right?”

“Well it doesn’t bother me.”

“Well, I just want to make it infinitely clear that it doesn’t help me drive any better to know you are nervous about my driving.”

“I don’t think it’s possible to make something infinitely clear to a finite mind.”

“Oh boy.”

That’s when I began composing this post in my head. And the sheer hilariousness of the situation got me all the way back home with my sanity in tact. All that to say, I love my parents dearly but do not plan on driving with both of them in the car anytime soon.

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3 thoughts on “Why I Will Not Drive With My Parents Anymore

  1. This is hilarious! I laughed out loud on four different occasions…particularly the deer part. Not deer season and suddenly there were deer welcoming you as you turn the corner. I love it! I love the way your mind works–sheer genius.

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