One of the main things I’ve learned about myself this semester is this: I can’t see.
I often think I can see, but I can’t. For years I’ve tried to do what is best, wisest, most honoring to Christ…and that’s good, I think, to try to do those things. But I’ve left out one huge part of that equation: I often don’t know what is best, wisest, and most honoring to Christ in areas that aren’t clearly sinful because I can’t see.
I simply cannot see what lies around any given turn and corner of life. I don’t know what challenges I will face tomorrow or how my life my change. I don’t know all the circumstances that are swirling about me in other people’s lives that will effect mine. So, I can look at a situation and — based the limited knowledge and resources I have– figure out what I believe to be wise. But that doesn’t mean it is wise. Because I’m not omniscient. I don’t know all the different nuances to any given situation, I don’t know the future, I don’t know people’s hearts…I am very, very, very limited.
This is teaching me, very slowly, very very imperfectly, to not lean on my own understanding. I can’t see the sin in my heart that I’m blind to that may be causing me to lean a certain direction. I can’t see the flaws in my arguments that I think are so brilliant. I can’t see what tomorrow holds. I can’t see beyond the spot the Lord has me in today. Because of that, it’s silly of me to lean on my own understanding and think that I’m right. So because God is teaching me not to lean on my own understanding I’m beginning see that there is room for other people not to be perfect where before I held them to my standard of perfection. I’m beginning to allow room for the Lord to have me in uncomfortable situations that I don’t run from or manipulate until they become bearable. I’m learning to sit and wait. And learning that I ought to be a LOT more gracious.
The hope in all of this is that God is wise. He is omniscient. He is all-powerful. He does see. He knows exactly what He is doing. He knows exactly what He wants to produce in me and where He wants to lead me and how He is going to do it. I am His. And He is mine. And he is powerfully orchestrating every circumstance in this life, in spite of my weaknesses, and flaws, and sins, and blindness, and foolishness, for my good so that He may be glorified.
That said, I’ve got a lot of repenting to do.