I didn’t write this in my testimony…but I thought I should include it after yesterday’s post.
Through the years there has been a lot of residual baggage I have had to deal with because of what happened to me as a little girl. I saw that I was so self-protective that I would throw anyone and everyone under the bus just so I wouldn’t get hurt. I had to figure out if I really forgave this guy when he wrote my dad my senior year of high school, asking to be a part of our family again. I had to wrestle with God about His sovereignty and goodness — how could He create those days knowing what would happen?! I’ve had to beg God to give me pure thoughts when vivid images would come back to haunt me. I’ve had to do a ton of work to get myself to have a high view of the marriage like we are commanded to have in Hebrews 13:4. I’ve had to beg God for grace in my relationships with guys. For grace to get close to them, to trust them, to be attracted to them, not to push them away.
This road hasn’t been easy. It’s been far from easy.
But every time I have found my answer in the person of Christ:
You want to throw people under the bus because they might hurt you? Christ let Himself be trampled on your behalf. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?
Your greatest enemy wants to be a part of your family again? Christ is your stronghold, He is your protector. Whom shall you fear? He is the one who said if your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he asks you to walk a mile with him, go two. If he strikes you on the cheek, turn the other cheek as well. He invited you into His family when you were His enemy.
Your God says “This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it” and you think, what?! How am I supposed to rejoice and be glad in my darkest days? Until you read up a few lines and see that this Psalm is talking about the day Christ was crucified. “The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone. This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.” Christ suffered innocently too. Christ’s darkest hour is the moment we sing about and celebrate and rejoice in because out of his suffering God did something marvelous.
Your mind can’t erase images you wish would be taken away forever? Think about Christ. He is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise.
You can’t even fathom wanting to be married because you think of men as predators and the marriage bed as dirty? Christ has taken you to be his bride. He loved you and gave himself up for you so that he might sanctify you, cleansing you by the washing of water with the word, that he might present you to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that you might be holy and without blemish. Christ will never defile you. His love makes you clean. And that is the way a godly husband will love you, too.
See? Christ is always our answer. Slowly but surely He has been working all these years to make me free. By God’s grace I am not what I used to be. I have not arrived, but I am not who I was. It hasn’t been easy. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. Why? Because I believe God’s sovereignty, and His grace, and His kindness. Not just when things are good. I believe it when it crushes me.
God alone is great enough to make something beautiful out of destruction.
Tune in tomorrow for Part IV.